Night Swimming....

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The air outside tonight is briny enough to swim through...


A deep smell that reminds me I'm not where I came from, even if for now, it is where I belong...


No green fields, no frogs calling out to that seasons love, no smell of orchards and cut hay, no stars outside my bedroom window...


The fog rolling in off the ocean is keeping the celestial canvas a mystery of grey instead of the usual black freckled by sparkles and the ever present moon....


And I'm awake feeling a truth I cant see and am now struggling to believe in...


Holding on until its time to let go...


Nights like this I leave my home, my bed and my ever faithful though sometimes nervous dog and make my way to the water...


Bare feet on the pedals in my car, pencil holding my hair off my neck and out of my eyes...


The beach is always empty save for a homeless man who sleeps in his old blue van and thinks I'm crazy... I know because he's told me. He may be right... 


The sand feels colder than the water that washes over my feet to my ankles, questioning my intentions... 


Even the waves seem to quiet themselves at this hour, the usual daytime roar brought down to a hum that allows me to hear my heart beat pounding with the cold and the unknowns of life in dark water...


Before I know it the water is at my hips and I'm always surprised that I make it this far.. The night is so black Id see nothing but the man is reading by the dashboard lights, giving me a way to decipher land from sea...


And in one second I belong there. Quiet and cold, small in a vast watery world.


And in the next I feel my own mortality and know that a shark or a wave or a simple miss step could make me disappear... leaving nothing but my little car in the sand as evidence I was ever here at all...


I breathe the fear from my lungs and allow myself to sink into the questions, into the icy world of salt and seaweed brushing against my legs that are still dressed in the clothes I was supposed to sleep in...


I shiver but don't feel the cold... just weightlessness and emptiness... the knowing that comes from being a stranger in a foreign world, aware of the lawlessness and not knowing the language...


Sometimes I can hear the dolphins breathing, forcing water and air from their lungs into the sky, scaring me back to the beach, but not tonight. Tonight its just me...


I feel myself get heavier as I make my way back to the shore.


The water on my skin and the cold in my bones... My feet numb and fumbling to hold me up in soft sand as the water becomes shallow and the air makes me wish I had planned and brought a towel...


I wrap myself in the blanket that lives in my car, sit on the rocks, teeth chattering and for the briefest of moments I am me in way that doesn't care if I believe anymore...


Because on nights like this I give myself to the ocean, clearing myself of the day and the noise...searching for answers that may not exist in salt water and night air... 


Tonight she reminded me in the wildness of tides, governed by a moon I couldn't see, that while I am small in the vastness of everything and nothing, my broken heart is capable of more than it ever was whole... 


Goodnight...