Powderfinger, Drifting Further Away...
I think I am ready to tell some of the stories now, now that I can predict the ending, now that I am a bit more me again... Now that there maybe no one left listening.
Too much truth to bare in print all at once, that I had abandoned this place and his face, with all its honesty for the fake smiles and shallow chatter of the real world and some grand adventures...
I'm better with the truth, so here I am. Typing in front of an open window, a drizzly night breeze breathing in against my skin still sticky from the salt of the sea and another evening of swimming under the moon, daring her depths to keep me.
She wont.
An independent creature, ever changing and as afraid of commitment as any soul I've ever loved on land, she always gives me back to the beach and the sand and the din of the cars passing on the freeway.....
Always.
So lets start here...
We drove.
From salty coast to mountain top in about three hours, we chatted politely about the weather and the changing landscape, marveling at the openness that reminded us both of our original homes, breathing in the relief of nature and a new place...
(the neighborhood)We arrived at our cabin that I had picked after many nights of scouring vacation websites for places that were far and away from anything but trees and sky... At 7000 feet elevation and a few miles off the main roads... I found it...
(Our View from the Deck)
(Our little cabin, there was another bedroom, a loft and a bathroom behind me)We arrived in the darkness and gingerly walked down stone steps with bags of groceries and hiking clothes, dropping everything inside the door and wandering back outside to take in the view. A hot tub on a deck over looking nothing and everything with only trees, stars and the distant glow of L.A way off on the horizon...
He was so excited to see this place, new to both of us, and I was excited to be there with him. I made us pizza, and we drank a bottle of wine while we watched a movie that was so sad and disturbing that it haunted me throughout the night while he slept peacefully...
The next day we went hiking. There was an awkwardness between us that I was not accustom too.. the making of polite conversations as we climbed our way though trees and trails, taking in the view and photographing everything. He spoke of his life back home, old girl friends and family stories and I listened to each detail, inserting an opinion or comment whenever appropriate. It was hot, even at that altitude, but the canopy of trees provided us with enough shade that I escaped with only minor sun burns...
Back at our cabin I made lunch while he gathered wood for an evening fire and we debated on whether or not to take the mushrooms that we had bought especially for this occasion, for our time away from other people, computers and phone calls... I cut up pineapples and oranges and we decided to do it. A commitment to the rest of that day that I knew I was making and perhaps the only one that would ever be made between us...
We sat on the deck waiting for the mushrooms to help us melt away and into the landscape and I relaxed. I watched him looking out over the mountain side, breathed in the gratitude and watched as the trees began breathing with him...
I smiled hard. Suddenly aware that I was tripping and unsure of how to act around him, I couldn't contain my laughter...
He smiled back and I knew he was there with me...
We watched an entire day happen in front of us.
It was beautiful and sad as I had the overwhelming understanding that I should keep my distance, that rules applied that normally did not. That I had to be careful of each word I chose to speak, that I shouldn't touch him, as time flew past us and we stood still.
I was, even more than usual, acutely aware of the time. Our time in the day, on the mountain, in that season, in each others lives.
It became our undoing. I became our undoing...
Its a familiar story in new surroundings. A new face and a new place but the same me, sober or faded, I will hold my heart to the flame till its snuffed out and I am burned...
We watched the stars in shooting through the blackness of the night sky, marveled in the magic and simplicity. We drank, him in the hot tub, me wrapped in blankets leaning on the railing, eyes always looking upward. It hurt to look at him and he could tell.
With no street lights the night consumed us. I could make out his shape by the glow of his cigarette, which made me worry about forest fires and lung cancer, but even in my altered state I knew better than to worry out loud...
All I wanted to do was touch him.
We were safe and away from the people and problems that made real life complicated. Clean air scented with pine and the rustle of leaves under squirrel feet. If we couldn't be what we are up there, I was forced to look at the truth...He wont be able to be us anywhere, ever...
Our conversation slipped from serious to absurd and back to quiet... I could feel our time slipping away and I could feel his carelessness...and just how much I didn't know him...
He would occasionally look at me with compassionate eyes, understanding that I was hurting and he was at its cause... but for the most part our eyes were looking up, watching the night go by.
I willed time to slow and it seemed to obey and we sat still in a mutual hallucination that made us feel like magic...
Music poured from his tiny iphone speakers and reminded me of just how alike we are, that we feel all the same things and only our opposite reactions to just about everything, made us different. That far swinging pendulum is what keeps us from completely understanding each other... Its what keeps him wanting to try but unable to actually do so...
We were alive and flawed and messy...
Beautiful.
The next morning we were quiet. Packed our things and left our retreat...
We shopped in the little mountain town and he bought me lunch. It was relaxed and beautiful and he thanked me for showing him this hideaway and I thanked him for letting me... I felt like we mattered for a moment before we headed back down to earth...
Three hours in his car, quiet. Listening to an obscure radio station about green living and aquaculture, I watched him nod in agreement to everything the voice in the speakers was saying as I massaged the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel...
We arrived at my house, my brother was visiting from L.A so he came in to see my family...
They exchanged pleasantries like casual acquaintances and he left without really saying "goodbye" so I followed him out the door to grab the last bag from his car...
We hugged and I let go...
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