So much has been done and undone and done again, so much happening over the last years stretch that I haven't much mentioned The Boy....
He is still there, I am still here. And the stress of that is gone while our version of "us" is still breathing...
He is still rigid in his thinking, still attached to his routine, still Army at his core even though those days are gone...they are not.
He is beautiful, responsible, with the moral upper hand at all times...He is right even when he is wrong..
He loves me when he thinks I'm not looking and in those moments when we are able to actually see each other... few and far between.
Ours is a relationship that has existed in its boundary-less form for nearly a decade. He has taught me the difference between love and possession, and the freedom of loving someone without limits or rules. He has given me roots in the belief that you can love many people in many ways, all at once. That I can have an open mind and an open heart be O.K, even if he doesn't always like it...he appreciates it...mostly :)
We talk on the phone everyday and text through out the moments in between. Never missing more than 24 hours without talking unless we are traveling to a place with no service, or weather takes out the power.
We don't have to agree to be right with each other, we can be hurt, angry or betrayed and still be "us" when the dust settles... truth is the foundation that our house is built on and 8 years of freedom has done us both good.
Sometime I ache for him to find a love he is passionate about, but war and Bosnia, broken hearts and childhood hurts have made him cool on the verge of cold with sharp edges that no amount of years and love have been able to smooth...
There is a line in the movie "Savages" where Blake Lively's character "O", talks about sleeping with her boyfriend, just back from Afghanistan...
"He's always trying to f**k the war out of himself. I have orgasms. He has war-gasms.."
And that's just how it is...
He talks of a time "before," with a razor sharp view of the contrast between who he was and who he has become, when he loved a girl and she loved him. When it was simple and sweet and young and they didn't yet know how awful it could be or how capable people were of hurting each other...
He tells me all the time that I would have loved who he use to be. I tell him I love him now. He only half believes me...
He's incredibly funny, with enormous humor in that laces even the most routine moments and an intellect puts my limited wisdom to shame..
I stayed with him when I ran from here. I called him drunk and asked him to be there when I came crashing back to earth... when I was questioning my life and nursing a heart that was grieving for my friends... and he was. Even though he associates drinking with drugs in combination with the stories he knows of my past, he ignored it and was there for me when I came "home."
We push each other. We have grown. There are no more comfort zones. We are an odd evolution but we are, and that is what matters.
I was barely 22 when we met and I decided in that moment that no matter what else happened I would get to know this man in the nine weeks before I moved to California.
I broke up with the boy I had been living with since I was 18 because I knew in those moments that I would never allow myself to be unhappy with someone forever just because it was easier than risking loneliness...
I was able to love my ex enough to let go. I knew it was the right thing. It was the first time my heart was ever really broken and I did it to myself. It was nine weeks before Christmas and we both knew we were just friends playing house, not soul mates, not lovers and not meant to be... But it was crushing just the same. Years of him sleeping with strangers made it hard to move forward with out grudges so we didn't.
He was a simple soul. He wanted very little and I would have been a prison sentence. Driving away from him the night I left for Cali left a trail of everything I ever thought I was in my wake.. Knowing I wasn't coming back when he didn't, changed me forever.
He is happy now. He barely fought what we both knew was right, though he did fly out on New Years that year to try to see what could be done to fix it. Once here he realized we were never broken, we just were not meant to be. We parted as friends and he is married now and I am able to think about the sweet, naive and oh so very young 'us' we used to be and smile..
The Boy wants me, thinks I am beautiful and can debate as long and hard as I can. We are never bored doing nothing with only each other for company or entertainment. My self deprecation pisses him off and he refuses to placate me. He only denies me compliments or comfort when I fish for them and is trying to teach me to accept praise without minimizing it...
He calls it like it is and acknowledges the ugly that I try to ignore. He lets his home be mine in those moments. In those days where we are just us, in the same place at the same time. He takes pictures of me when Im not looking because I never offer the opportunity willingly and though he pretends to drive away he has been known to circle back and wait to see me safely off when he drops me at the airport.
He is kind and lets me be sad for our separation, he kisses me and tells me he loves me even though it makes him uncomfortable. He hugs me hard and holds my hand like he means it while we wait to check my bags...
By the time we are used to being together, in a routine and at ease with the mess, its always time to say "goodbye" again.
I wrote once about my fleeing California to be with him less than a year after I moved here and never finished the story. Since I live in California again now, so you can guess that it wasn't the romantic comedy ending anyone was hoping for, but I will give you the ending one day, I promise.
The important part to note is that was seven years ago and there is still a story to tell...
He knows about Flipper (and is not a fan) even though there was never anything to tell but an pain in my heart that time will have to heal, and I know of the woman who was that and more...
And its ok.
He is patient even if he pretends hes not.
I have often taken him for granted as he has me... but we both know now, that no matter where we end up, we will both be better for the decade we gave each other. For the chance to learn all we could about ourselves, to grow and see clearly what we need from this life... To see the good and love anyway...
And we do.
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