Its Election day and Mercury's first day in its retrograde cycle....
My drive in this morning was a blurred by a blinding white rain but a thirty minute drive down the California coast can give you thirty different kinds of weather and I drove through rain, then fog, then clear skies as the sun was coming up over the mountains before it switched back to the ominous dark clouds that my commute had begun with...
It is blissful and its all I can do to keep myself from doing a rain dance to help Mother Nature along, encouraging her to help us wash away the layers of dust and mistakes...to give us all a clean slate... Or at least put some green in our trees and keep fire season at bay...
I have begun a fast of sorts. Not from food or drugs or sex as we have all heard of people doing and as I have done myself many times in a quest for clarity, no, I am on a negativity fast. Today is November 6th and I will be purposefully fasting from my own negativity, the sometimes self deprecating inner monologue that often spills over to these pages and will be willfully creating space away from those who seek to bring in more negativity and offer no real solutions to it...
I have now read, reread, practiced and read on more time for good measure, Debbie Fords "21 Day consciousness Cleanse before passing it on to a friend. The challenge in the simplicity of it all was amazing. I did not realize how much work it would take to even begin to change the way that I think. But sometimes its good to try to think outside our own preset boxes...
http://www.amazon.com/The-21-Day-Consciousness-Cleanse-Breakthrough/dp/0061783641
I have spent the last few weeks working myself into it just as I would any other fast. I made myself aware of what gave me a negative outlook and try to redirect my own thoughts.. My five days with a friend from back east provided an epiphany of sorts...
I am pretty ok with my life.
There are pieces to work on, yes, but for the most part, I am where I want to be right now and I'm doing what I want to be doing. There will always be places where things could get better, develop or change all together, but that is what makes us wake up in the morning right? The potential? The idea that it could get even better than this! I know this to be true because I have lived in ugly and awful. I know its back alleys and dark doorsteps better than I care to admit, even to myself...
I will write another post on my friends visit, but for now I will tell you this...The level of unhappy that lives in the life I left in Massachusetts flew out with my friend to remind me why I moved here in the first place. So many people so unhappy and accepting of that unhappiness that they are only marginally aware of it... To accept that you hate your job, your home, the weather, your relationship, as simply realities that will continue to be for all time because that's just the way things are, blows my mind. They would rather be moderately uncomfortable forever rather than leave that uncomfortable comfort zone and move to a new place, try a new job or make new friends...
By the end of our time together I had run out of comforting words because all I wanted to do was scream that all these problems have solutions! Why choose to be trapped? Why marry someone who does not share the vision you had for your life together just because you are afraid of the unknown, or starting over or being alone? These are educated people with unlimited potential and they are happy being unhappy, content being victims of circumstance.
"Knowing" all of you bloggy friends and the parts of your lives that you choose to share with me and the world has made me aware of such incredible bravery and triumph in everyday existence, that it helps me to believe in better when people around me choose helplessness over trying..one. more. time.
In the last 6 weeks, two of my friends from the tight knit group I often refer to as family, decided for reasons independent of each other, that life on this planet is too difficult... and they chose to leave, taking their own lives and never saying "goodbye."
The first caused me to reach my tipping point and pushed my trip back east to see these loves of my life. To hold them in my arms and remind them that we are all still us and that life is still as beautiful as we once believed it to be. That even the deep ache in are hearts was beautiful, that anyone who can feel this much love, hurt, joy and pain is beautiful for not giving up and giving it all away. The second broke my best friends heart so deeply I swear I could hear it shatter from 3000 miles away...
Life is hard and intense and you amazing bloggy friends are evidence that you can become even more amazing by surviving.
There are more stories and I will share them but this last month or so has been about stepping out of my comfort zone and loving anyway. I choose to love the people who love me back and those who cant, the grandmother I have been gifted with the opportunity to know and the grandfather I haven't found yet, the friends who have left us and the ones who have chosen to stay behind. Love isn't a choice, it is the only answer. The only way to bring peace to our own hearts and begin to heal wounds that were given to us by others...
This month I have had the opportunity to hold a dear friends new baby, stay kind even though someone else was being cruel, meet a new friend, feed a baby giraffe and love on a Rhino, let everyone in my life know they are loved and this weekend I am taking 20 burn survivors ages 4-8, to Lego Land.
It is sad and scary and no one really has any answers but life can still be good.
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