Boxes...

"I search your profilefor a translationi study the conversationlike a map'cause i know there is strengthin the differences between usand i know there is comfortwhere we overlap.."

Ani DiFranco, Overlap



The cyclical nature of life makes endings frequent, loss inevitable and the choice to grow from or be heart broken by it, unavoidable...

We pack our childhoods into hope chests, college life into attic boxes and relationships into shoe boxes shoved under beds and to the dark reaches of coat closets... All safely stored away because the moments were too important to part with but constant reminders lingering on bookshelves and counter tops, too much to have to look at, to deal with every time we need to make ourselves a cup of tea....
But what do we do with the less tangible remnants of stories we need to leave behind?..... A song on the radio, a travel destination, a movie you would watch together or even the knowledge of an old love's favorite things.... When the truth of who they are has mingled long enough with the flow of your own life that its nearly impossible to separate the details... When you've been changed, like stones in a river over time, for better or worse, and going back to who you used to be is simply ... going backwards...?
Ive begun packing.  
First the tangible... A shoe box full of the last years mementos... Ticket stubs, hotel pens, books given as gifts off his"must read" list, and wine corks...trinkets purchased on his business trips and vacations...memories. Now onto the rest... Things that were exclusively him that were woven into me...Hockey games, mountain hikes, science and ancient prophecies, a fierce independence and nights drinking whiskey talking about it all...And the things I offered to weave into him... mountain retreats, a love of this city, Disney land and holidays with my family, the value of friendship, music I introduced to him and songs that remind me of us... whatever that means, cause we are beyond any definition that would ever do us justice...

The summer is fading into fall and I am grateful. 

The change is needed.

The air just slightly cooler though not all that changeable, the rebirth of this place is palpable in the calming of Septembers approach..I grew through the last of my 20's and into the seasons change of 30. And I am still me. I still believe in all of it. I still believe in trying, that life is ridiculously insignificant and wondrously precious all at once, in hoping for the good in spite of all the bad, and in loving unconditionally in spite of ourselves...

I believe that one day I will be able to unpack these boxes...one day when he's ready to believe in me...

Till then... I have plenty of room under my bed...   :)