Set Free...

"If we could see this was all that we need
Inside our minds, bodies and souls
We wouldn't run, we wouldn't let go
Cause we'd realize that we had, 
we had no control..."Katy Gray, Set Free

Im sitting here in the heat of a September evening that believes itself to be a night somewhere in the middle of July, just back from a sunset on the beach...




I am human. In the heat and messiness of this place I am a person searching.

Not for beauty, no, that can be found in abundance. The trees, my dog and the smell of the incense I carry on me and with me like a little old ladies perfume that lingers around you even after she is gone...the ocean and the breeze that comes off it and into my room as I write to you... my family that loves me even though they don't understand and maybe dont even care too and the friends who became my family when I wasn't even looking...

I am still learning as I have said before and the sheer intensity of breathing reminds me why we don't get out of this life alive. 

I am a child that can love a baby bird to death, clutching at it with joy and excitement, not realizing the harm I've caused until its too late to be undone.

I love hard and hold hurts like broken wings against my chest, hiding till they're healed...or at least presentable..

I have to admit a few things out loud so I will start here, with you, who have listened to my crazy and ugly without ever calling me either...

1.  I am angry at the grandmother whom I loved before I even knew
2.  I am even more angry that Ive allowed myself to waste precious knowing her time being angry. 
3. Im scared I will never find the rest of my family and that Im the only one who thinks it matters...
4. I am afraid that Im even less OK with adoption than I thought and how can I be against something that made my entire family happen? Is it possible to love the people and hate the process or does one cancel out the other?
5. Could this girl, born from two happily married parents really have abandonment issues from being the second generation of adoption? Cause if you give away one, you give away all that follows...
6. My mother says my natural family doesn't love me, that biology means nothing and that I spend more time thinking about them than any of them spend on me... 
7. Im afraid she is right and on the flip side of that coin I am afraid that that is how she feels about herself but could never ever say out loud. Because we all loved my grandmother, the woman who raised my mother...my mother just cant make room in her heart for both of them...and maybe never will. And I am left to wonder if any of this is what has made her sick her entire life...
8. I am trying to let go. I can not be angry at a woman whose heart was broken at 15 when she lost her baby and the boy she created her with. I love her and all those she created after us, even if my mother is right and they dont love me..
9. I love a boy so hard I may loose him in all the ways a person can be lost. I may overwhelm this love with my own fear and fleeing and never get it back.
10. I am Terrified that I will die of a broken heart because sometimes, when its quiet, I can hear the pieces falling away....

There is so much to tell you in a week, in a life, that I cant keep up or convey its significance... 
But I know this. Fear and Love cannot live in the same house, in the same heart, at the same time, and find harmony. 
So Im going to fear less and love more. Starting now.
I bought a plane ticket tonight. Unplanned and no one knows... except for you.
I leave Tuesday. 
Going back to Boston to make peace with the pieces... To love the hurt out of my past and speak more truth in a bigger voice than I am used to having...
I need people to know that there is so much more....that adoption is just a small piece, while remembering we are all small people, flashes of light in time that can so easily be forgotten. This little piece is as important as the boy who held my hand and saw me for a second longer than anyone else ever has... it all matters and its all love.


The balance of the ugly and the beautiful...the pendulum swings and Im still here... learning to let go while holding on... Living up to the freedom I literally tattooed on my back so many years ago...