The waking up and the numbing out, getting caught in the cliches and dark alleys of distraction...
I am awake. Im feeling all of it. And its intense.
We are drawn into each others lives sometimes for moments, other times for years only to go and come back again...
If we are lucky there are a few souls we get to keep. Relationships that transcend time and geography, love that no amount of hurt can undo...
I was thought I was lost once before.. 17 and on my own with my then puppy (now grandma dog) roaming the earth with my friends and loves, blurring lines and bending rules. No one to answer to.. I felt free, and terrified, with nothing left to call mine except my 87 volvo and that puppy. Nothing to loose.
I sat in a tattoo shop in New Hampshire, waiting for my friend to be finished when Janis Joplins raspy voice sang melancholy over the speakers... "Freedoms just another word for nothing left to loose..."
I jumped up, ran out to the car and grabbed a copy of the Dharma that was in my back seat.. Thumbing through the pages in the translation index I found it. "Freedom" written in Sanskrit and all I wanted to be, see, do and feel wrapped up in one word...
I marched myself back into the shop in all my teenage bravery and handed that book to a bearded biker looking man with a Vietnam vet vest on named Hobo... (I wish I was joking) and said " I want this on my back, over my heart chakra..."
He asked what it meant and I told him...
He laughed at me, shook his head with the knowing-ness that came from seeing more of life that I had, and told me to take off my shirt and sit down.
I pretended I wasn't terrified. That I wasn't worried about disappointing parents who were already worried about their little hippie daughter going down a path of no return, how their catholic school girl who got strait A's and never cursed was the same girl who walked away from all of it for a chance to feel something real... Pretended that sitting in the middle of a tattoo shop in my bra didn't phase me, that I was brave and self confident and strong.
I wasn't.
But 20min later it was done and for a while I held myself to it... Then I got busy. I forgot. I got scared.. Afraid of the realness and the pain on the flip side of the pleasures in a authentic life...
I am forgiving myself now. A day at a time. For all the time wasted working hard and accomplishing much, with my head in the sand. I cant get it back. Im working towards better. Braver. Free...
Today I drove down the road to New Hampshire, with that same friend by my side for the first time in years, and thought of the that 17 year old girl, the sting of that tattoo and thought to myself that it may be time to get another...
Hiç yorum yok:
Yorum Gönder